My guides had me write a blog post this morning on the three men who've broken my heart. It's harsh. I feel like a total bitch. I feel like that post only tells half of the story because I have gratitude to these men and I loved them and mostly, I don't regret the relationships. Each one has been instrumental in making me who I am today... but my guides wanted me only to focus the pain, saying my truth, confessing my pain, not trying to be balanced and fair as my Libra self always insists.
In many ways it was excruciatingly hard. For everything I wrote, I wanted to write five good things and show how and where I had been wrong in the relationship and where I could have done better, but I kept hearing my one guide say
"Focus. This post has one purpose."
Still, I thought no matter how bad any of them had hurt me, or what happened... it's in the past and I've moved on...
Ugh... I see what my guides want. I do. But god, it's SO not like me to say any of those things. Even if I allow myself to ever think those things, I speak back all the things I'm grateful for and remind myself of the things I did wrong and how there's blame to go around and nothing was done intentionally to hurt me... and that's what my guides want me to stop. They want me to hold my own space and not let others push into it just because I love them.
I've prayed about this all year because part of me never wants another relationship. Part of me knows I can't be trusted because as soon as I love someone... I'm in it to my detriment. I stay. I fight. I love. I accommodate and while those things in and of themselves are not bad things, there must be balance and if I'm not getting the same in return...
Yes, I pray for only people of good heart and intent come into my life. I welcome relationships only of mutual love and respect. Yes, I hope I choose a more worthy man the next time, but if it's the man they've already shown me, then I'm going to be tested here and I know they're readying me for that.
At the end of the day, those men I loved, I'm glad I met them and at one time or another, I loved them... but my guides want me to stop holding space in my life for them... Wow, I never even considered that an option before. I love someone that's that. Now my guides are saying, no that's not that.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships, the full moon this month sort of insists upon it, but that aside, I've also been thinking a lot about holding space. At first it was primarily a meditation thought, about holding sacred space in meditation to meet with my guides, but then it grew to my guides showing me how I was holding space in my heart for men who I should have let go. Not because I want them back, but because I thought I was doing the right thing, the noble thing, to hold good energy and send love and light. That's what I've been taught, but then my guides said I'd sent enough love and light and the doors needed to be closed.
Three days ago, they told me the same thing about my family.
Apparently, I'm holding a lot of space just in the hope of reconciliation. At the end of the day that's what I want, peace and love with all those that have crossed my path, no matter what, but my guides are showing me there is a choice... continue on the quest for peace and love with people from my past, or travel forward to true peace and love with my destined ones.
That space I'm holding, apparently that needs to be freed up for the right people to come in, the people I've been waiting for... The people I've been praying for, but omg closing doors is one of the hardest things for me.
I'm the nice girl who of course lets you back in if you're sorry. I want to still be friends. I want to share our lives, but this concept of there being no place on my path for certain people... I mean, I see it, and rightly so these people opted out of my life. Most by simply dropping off the face of the earth... who does that?
Anyway... Letting go... one of the hardest things I ever face. I've lost nearly everyone I've ever loved, except my kids, Kevin, Shonna, Mark, Karen... that's about it and that's just the fact of it, but I've been crying a lot lately, wondering why my life isn't filling up with new people. To be fair, I've met some extraordinary people this year, Rebecca, Miriel, Ashqi, Karen... I did so much work on this at the beginning of the year and I definitely stopped attracting people who use and leave me... but that's sort of left me adrift and I didn't understand why.
I'm holding space for people who not only don't deserve it, but don't want it.
There's only so many seats, why fly this plane empty with the hope that those I once loved will come back? I need to give up their seats to those who will appreciate them and I'm going to have to close these doors.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
I feel a bit like Noah. He told people the storm was coming, but not until it started raining did anyone care. Then they all wanted in. I'd be happily holding the door open, not even realizing that these people were only there to save themselves, not because they finally wanted to be in relationship with me. Then after the danger passed, they'd be gone and I'd be alone again.
That is not the life I want.
My people are out there. I will have faith in that. I want girlfriends as close as a sister and a lover and partner who has my back and sees what worth there is in us. I want people to work with, learn from, teach. I want big dinners at my place with people happy to be there... I'll find it and if I have to free up space and close these doors to do so... then so be it.
Thank you god for your willingness to teach me, even the hardest things.
Aho and Amen... so it is.
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