It offends my soul to even think it, but for several years now I've been circling this issue of "happiness" and what difference do your choices make if you're happy?
It used to bother me back in the days of Tony. Is happy the point of life? We seem to think it is a lot of the time and I've heard some very good arguments to say that it is. So long as you're happy, and you aren't hurting anyone, then why try harder or reach further?
When Tony and I were together, and he was also seeing the other woman and building a life with her, neither of us could really come up with a good reason why
to chance where he knew he was happy to see what he and I really had, even though we both felt the importance of what we were to each other.
There are so many quotes out there about how happiness is about perception, it's a state of being, it's about noticing the small things, being grateful... I do all these things and I am happy, but this idea of If you're happy... what else really matters? has bothered me for the longest time because on a soul level, I know there is more to it than that, but on the surface, yeah it seems all we're looking for are moments of happy.
I've been revisiting this again lately as I've come to the same place in my own life, I'm happy, but I feel my soul calling for more, calling me further along the path... but why risk where I'm happy for what isn't guaranteed? Never take what's behind door number two when you're holding the big prize of the day!
Thing is, maybe it's through this intuitive living I've been doing, but things in my heart and mind are shifting again and my thinking is shifting with it and in a blinding moment of clarity, I saw the man behind the curtain... that happiness crap is just that... it's the trading a future of worth, purpose and extraordinary for a moment of comfortable.. because that's all happy is... it's a moment. It's you feeling good... in the moment.
I want to feel good permanently and more, I want to make a difference with my life. I don't want to simply disappear when my time here is done. I want to have participated with change and left something of worth behind. To me, that's my happy... that's what matters.
I have a friend who's in a rather co-dependent relationship and when things are good, she's happier than all the world... and when they're bad... she's inconsolable and can't figure out what she's done wrong. Then they get back together and all is right with the world. For a time I would watch this and think, well at least she's happy some of the time and i love, getting those late night calls, having romantic getaways and no one's getting abused, so what's the harm? I even went as far as to question my own life and why I'm waiting on the man my guides have promised rather than just going out and finding any old man. There are moments when the lonely gets so loud and the longing so deep that I think what difference does which man make?
Over the course of the year, she's been miserable and happy about 50/50. I've been pretty consistently happy the entire time, lonely at times because I don't have that man in my life, but I'm also not reeling in heartache 50% of the time and you can't convince me that's worth the 50% happy part. I'll wait. I'll listen to my guides, I'll take the higher path and I'll live intuitively and in the end, by being faithful to my path, I'll find a deeper love than I can imagine now and there won't be a 50% heartache ratio.
I have another friend who has a really nice material life. She has a car, clothes, money for travel... and her job's giving her an ulcer, she hates going to work every day and she can't wait to get out... and she says, "But it pays well!"
This life I've created, it has moments when it's stressful, particularly when I'm lonely or where money's concerned, but I'm always so blissful... the most stressed I've been was a few days a couple months back when I was trying to arrange travel for my oldest. Fact is, I always get by financially, god provides for me actively and I see it everywhere. Socially, I always find good people to be with and share my time with while I await love and hopefully after I find love. I believe I'm headed to something wonderful both in my career and in my love life and I will not short change it by being impatient wanting a relationship and a bigger house now.
Happy now in exchange for blissful?
It's just not worth it!
I have to stay in faith because I believe in this with all my heart and soul, settling may bring you some moments of happy, but it will never bring you lasting satisfaction in who you are or how you live. I have that all the time and that feeling... it makes me more than "happy" it makes me high. I love it, I love who I've become and I love the choices I've made.
I've had some excruciating heartache, I've had some scary financial moments, but through it all... I have a solid line of faith that I know where I'm headed and if I can just stay focused and resist the temptation all around to settle... I'll have everything I've ever dreamed of and more... that's worth waiting for... at least in my opinion. ;-)
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