This is me and god right now.
It's funny because last week I finally put into words for the first time my experiences, and current beliefs, with money. So of course I'm going to get tested right away and considering the growth I've experienced in this area, it again, of course, was going to have to be one hell of a test.
It came in the form of food and my fitness goals. My Achilles heal.
For anyone who doesn't know, September 5th I started an 84 days to fitness challenge issued by my guides and angels. I am currently twice the weight I should be and my guides have been pushing the idea of weight loss on me for about three and a half years now and I have lost quite a bit of weight, but as I just admitted to being essentially twice my size, there's still a lot of work to be done here. This has been the hardest damn thing. I swear, I'll start, see results, life comes in and
demands my focus and I put back on the weight I lost.
Now, I will say that since I consciously started some form of effort to lose this weight, I haven't put on more weight, meaning I'm stuck at this twice my weight figure, rather than going up further and further and that's something, but it's not what I've been asked to do.
So with all that in mind, I took on the 84 day challenge seriously and in the past month I have entirely changed my relationship with fitness. I now swim every day, use dumbbells and do an aerobic workout three times a week and yoga is next up on my list. However, food... and my relationship with it...
I went on this sabbatical with the top priority being to finish this 84 days and see some serious changes in my body, but I'm not even a week in and so far all that's happened is I've hit a crisis point in my faith... ugh.
Here's the gist of it all -
God wants me to lose weight, take my fitness and health seriously and be in my authentic self with my physical body, of which right now, I am not.
This is all great and wonderful and something I want very badly too, but, the honest to god truth is losing weight, at least for me, costs money I don't see in my life right now. Enter, crossroads where money meets faith meets food and fitness.
The fact of the matter is, I'm working my ass off swimming, lifting weights, aerobic workouts, sometimes twice a day... and I feel like crap, I'm tired all the time and I can't think straight.
It's because despite all the extra activity I've brought into my life, I'm eating next to nothing as usual because my budget is always so tight. Yesterday, I had 2 eggs and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich... and I swam 25 laps and I lifted weights and did an aerobic exercise... and was an idiotic bitch to everyone all day.
The lack of food is messing with my brain, I'm feeling stress constantly, oh and the real kicker... I'm not losing any weight whatsoever.
For the first time ever in my life, I feel like my head is in the right pace for weight loss (of which that will be the very last time I call it that in writing, my guides showed me the other day to call it weight health instead, it's a more positive outlook) so my head is in the right place to achieve optimum weight health, but to actually get there, my guides gave me this food list... I cannot *whispers because I know I'm not supposed to say this* afford that!
I've asked God for three things from my whole life...
I know that he's answered me with a yes and I know that's where he and my guides are trying to lead me. I know that it's not magic, "Please can I have great wealth?" Oh yes, here's a treasure chest full of gold doubloon. You are taken down roads that lead where you want to be. I understand that and I'm not trying to be difficult, I'm grateful. This is just such a hard obstacle for me.
My youngest, in his brilliance, said to me last night, "You're already at the table and paid the price, you may as well bet it all because you don't get the opening bid back." He was so proud of himself because all night he kept coming up with gambling analogies so he could say "Gambling saved our lives." lol He has a warped sense of humor... that aside, he's right. I'm playing my life like playing roulette betting half on black and half on red. I'll either lose it all, or I'll lose half... that's no way to live a life of faith.
God is unfathomably good and has the ability to bless my life with more than my mind can comprehend, and I need to get out of his way!
I have to stop putting limitations on what he can and can't do in my life and just jump from this nest, trust my wings that he gave me and fly.
It's time to try, defying gravity. ;-)
God wants me to trust that if I follow him, he will provide. I currently have about $63 left for food for three people for the rest of the month. If I eat the way I'm supposed to, that shouldn't even last a week.
God wants me to have faith in him, but I'm having too much trouble getting past what my eyes see and my experiences tell me. I'm saying, sure, I'll do this, up to where it gets uncomfortable, then I'll take the wheel back until I feel safe enough to give it over to you again.
What lunacy.
My guides said to me the other day, "If you want to live by magic, you have to play my magic's rules... all of them."
They are so right.
God is good.
God is trustworthy.
God is faithful.
And not that he ever had to, but he's proven that to me time and again. My life does exist on magic, the magic of faith in a faithful god and I've seen it. I cannot let this be the thing that derails me. I'm too close.
Today is Wednesday, Subway date with youngest that I have said I would cancel because we can't afford it. I'm not going to cancel it. I'm going.
Tomorrow, I'm going to the grocery store. I'm buying eggs, chicken, black beans and a boatload of vegetables. If it takes every last cent I have then so be it. I will put my blinders on, I will have faith, and I will eat what I'm shown, trusting that more money and/or groceries will show up in my life.
God provides.
He will never fail me.
I will overcome this obstacle.
And I will fly.
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