I am of course, as always, changing. I refuse to live a stagnate life where I never learn or experience anything. Relationships I find though, always seem to be my Achilles's heel. They never seem to last for long, no matter how strong they begin and I always hang on too long assuming we will regain that strength we had at the beginning, but in truth, once people get close to me... I'm not an easy woman to be with. I have hurts and walls that need navigated, I find it very difficult to just say what I'm feeling much of the time. I'm shy. I can be needy. But worst of all... I have a strange belief system and I have visions. No relationship has ever been able to survive my faith. No one has ever been able to stand by me in it because at some point, I see something they don't want to believe and it sets up a barrier between us and I've never found a way around that once it's happened.
I think it's happened most recently with me and Tony and in my experience, once this occurs, the relationship is never the same. It takes two people to navigate something like this, but we are set on two different courses, how do you get to the same place in one boat with two different maps that each feels just as strongly about?
I had a psychic, a tarot reading and an intuit tell me over the past week that I would have to defend my faith three times in the very near future. Low and behold, I have found myself in the position of defending my faith three times in the past 48 hours. However, what I have learned from that endeavor has settled into my soul and shifted a part of who I am.
I'm a grown up.
I am not, nor do I need to be, a scared little girl.
I am a woman who has fought hard for her life and her faith and deserve to stand proud of who I am and what I've done.
I am a woman who has made it her intention to seek out god and truth and make peace with her psychic abilities and how they relate to my faith.
This sets me apart from most as they don't even understand why I bother. Plus when you start talking god and Jesus, "spiritual" people pull away and when you start talking tarot cards and psychic readings, "religious" people start pulling away.
I live caught between two worlds that are each very real to me and as of yet I have found little peace.
During the defense of my faith, I purposefully decided, for once, to not focus on everyone else's feelings. To not see every other side of the equation and simply focus on me, what I was feeling and experiencing. In most cases I'm always looking out for everyone else and no one is looking out for me, so I looked out for me... and got slammed for it, but I probably should have expected that.
Regardless, and albeit I lacked some tact in this defense, it was a stunning experiment for me. It saddened me to see how those who supposedly love me reacted and that became a very eye opening experience in and of itself. It's making me rethink a few things, some relationships, how much I'm giving in some of my relationships, but then I wouldn't be me if I wasn't thinking about something! :)
At the end of the day, my desire is and always will be, to seek truth. I'm not here to make everyone happy or like me. If they can't handle me when I'm raw and perhaps say things they don't like, then they can go find someone else to be friends with. Going into the future, I'm tried of having to guard everything that ever comes out of my mouth, I intend to start surrounding myself with people who can handle it when I speak my truth, even if it comes out ugly and still know that at my core, I am who I am which is a kind, loving, giving woman.
Life is changing a lot for me right now. I don't expect the landscape to look anything the same at the end of spring. I've started having visions that make me a bit sad as to what may be coming, but mostly I know that I can handle anything that comes my way because I have my faith and though it wavers and I get scared, I always come back to it and god never fails me.
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