I'm having a crisis of faith the last week or so. It basically comes down to the fact that I've sought truth all my life, but perhaps never considered the ramifications of being trusted with it.
I read that quote above on a website I was researching from earlier in the week and it really spoke to me. I realized that most of my life I've tried to pretend I'm this nice fifties housewife with a wicked kinky streak and no more. All my dreams reflected that persona, my writings, my life.
After all, what more is the "American Dream" than a life of comfort and security? It was a dream I very much was invested in once, only when achieved, I realized it was hollow, as empty as a can of Pringles after ten minutes with my youngest son.
When you have that moment, when you achieve your dreams and you realize
they are not fulfilling, what do you do? I think most of us put up a facade of contentment, pretend everything is well, and try very hard not to look out the window of that facade at the rolling hills beyond with their tales of legends and dragons and fairy princesses.
I think some people are very adapt at that and seem to live out a life most people around them would never question. I personally though cannot avoid questioning. Some of us are different, some of us need the adventure, the promise of learning, the risk of danger and the gift of discovery. Some people will take the adventure, even to death, than to live a life less ordinary in the surrounding comfort of the "American way".
I'm not really that brave. I'm not even entirely certain I'm that adventurous. What I am, is passionate. What I am is insatiable for learning and growth. What I am is a truth seeker. Truth of who I am, who we are, who god is, that drives me relentlessly. Authenticity is one of the most important things in the world to me and I will chase it to no end.
Recently in meditation I was brought an extraordinarily powerful vision of god, life, creation and my destiny.
Yes, I do know how that sounds, but I don't know how else to put it.
It overwhelmed me. It scared the hell out of me. And it shook everything I've ever believed all my life to its absolute core.
I have spent much of the past week and a half having extreme emotional highs and lows. I've been wracked to the point of splitting headaches with doubt and fear. I've been in bed, literally with the covers over my head, more than once sobbing and crying out to god that it's too much, I can't possibly do the things I've seen.
I've tried talking to people, Kevin, Dani, Shonna and both my sons have been tremendous source of support, but I feel so utterly alone right now. I've sought truth in some variation or another all my life, but now I'm having a moment I'm sure was similar to Adam and Eve's in that garden when they realized they'd seen too much. How do you deal with the ramifications of getting exactly what you asked for? With facing your destiny and realizing it's bigger than you can even really comprehend?
I feel extraordinarily blessed to be trusted with such visions and I know my history and accuracy of such things, but at the same time, how can any of this be anything other than the delusional hallucinations of a sad, lonely woman?
Yet, every time I try to pass it off for that, I feel that tug in my soul. The one that says, you' know better than that, stop being so disrespectful to the god that gave you these gifts.
The last thing I ever want to do is disrespect god. Though I still have many unanswered questions about who, or what, god is, I do believe there is something greater than us out there who created, cares for and sustains us. My only desire is to follow the path that leads to light and truth and love. It is my prayer always.
Yesterday my friend Kevin sent me a text telling me to read Psalm 139 which ends like this -
Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24 NKJV
That truly, honestly is my prayer every single day of my life.
I know what is being asked of me. I still have so much doubt and fear, but above all else, I have faith. Every time I doubt and get crazy over this, every time I end up in bed with the covers over my head, every time I sob on the bathroom floor begging god to relieve me of my insanity, I'm brought back to the truth of my own heart and it's genuine desire which is never to deceive, never to mislead, never to do harm, but only to seek that which is my destiny, my calling to the greater good, to god's will, to love and light and in the end, I have to believe that god is bigger than my insanity. If he didn't want me on this path, there'd be signs everywhere.
I know what it feels like when I'm wrong, when I'm traveling the wrong road. My last year with Dale taught me that so deep that it is now engraved on my spirit, I cannot forget that feeling. I am scared to death, but I believe in god and I have faith in his leading me, in the guides and council he's placed in my life. This is the right path, though I do not understand why and I still have moments where I beg to have it taken from me, I know me, and in the end, I will always do as god bids because at the end of the day, that above all else, is what I am created to be.
I watched this Ted talk by Lesley Hazleton, an agnostic Jew who wrote a biography on Muhammad. She talks about why doubt is essential to faith. It's not religious or preachy, but I found it incredibly inspiring and encouraging. It gave me a moment of peace and I share it with anyone who may get a similar experience, because in my opinion, any moment of peace is priceless. ;-)
No comments:
Post a Comment