Is that wrong? I'm not sure. Does it bring me a lot of pain? Most definitely, but it also comes with tremendous peace and enlightenment and I can't help but think in the end, I'll be proven right for making the choices I do.
I grew a lot spiritually over the summer. In the past few weeks I’ve been consciously defining myself as well. I spent much of the summer trying to help a close friend with her spiritual journey. It had its high points and definite low points, but I learned a lot through it. I wish it had ended better for her, but I’m trying very hard to take home the lesson that I am not responsible for everyone! I did the absolute best I knew how to do and I have no real regrets other than it didn’t end the way I had hoped it would.
As I am no longer in that place of being focused on someone else, I have turned rather introspective internalizing what the journey taught me. I think by and large I have to admit that I am accepting the spiritual gifts that I have been given, yes, still with somewhat of a heavy heart, but I only pray once or twice a week now to be “normal” so that’s progress! .
I have become more comfortable with reading Tarot, although is still shocks me when people respond so positively to a reading I give them. I learned a lot about stones and the energy within. I have a few favorites now and I’ll actually be sharing some of that knowledge on one of the other blogs on a regular basis. I’ve studied chakras and learned meditations to help align them more effectively and very definitely notice the difference in myself. I’ve made as much peace as I think I ever will with being able to hear other people’s spirit guides, dead (in this life) people, and telepathy, which is SUCH a freaky thing when it starts happening to you, but I think what I HAVE to learn most of all, is
that at the end of the day, yes, I may seem crazy to a lot of people, but I know myself and I’m NOT crazy. I don’t have delusions, I’m not “hearing voices” I’m not plotting to take over the government… I just want to be the best person I can be and touch as many lives as I’m able, making a sincere difference and if that’s why I have these gifts, then I’m accepting them and trying now to learn how to most effectively use them. .
I find myself drawn to several new shows on television this season where the main character is thought to be crazy, but they aren’t, Sleepy Hollow and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland of course springs first to mind. I’m also loving last season’s new show Elementary and discovering a sort of kindred feeling with Sherlock as he is very different and has made total peace with that. Though others around him struggle with it at times, he stays true to himself. I want to find that place within myself. .
I think one of the lessons I take from Sherlock is that he helps a lot of people, but he’s never trying to bring them home or make them friends. I think I need to learn that lesson, because I’ve always gone about taking in strays, but the strays tend to bite a lot and I’m left wondering if I’ve made any kind of difference at all. .
The problem for me always comes from the people closest in my life wanting me to tell them everything I see and hear, and I won’t do that because I don’t control what I see and there are some things that, in my best judgment, would do more harm than good and at the end of the day, I’m the one that has to answer for what I did with these gifts. The problem is, when I’m very close with someone I’ll tell them quite a bit and there are times when I do it without even thinking. Like something comes to me and we’re together at the grocery store, it may come out of my mouth before I’ve had the chance to process it… that’s not a good thing. .
What I hate most is that people thinks it’s all cool and act like I’m a sideshow at the circus, but then at some point they all hit a wall where it becomes too much. Where something I’ve said or shown them hits too close to home and how they react, is to blame me in some way and then walk away. I can’t count the number of times it’s happened and in my last two relationships particularly, I very intentionally tried to be aware of it in the hopes of having a different outcome. I tired being more honest than I ever have with someone, more exposed, but all it did was make the break hurt ten times worse. .
Maybe these gifts aren’t meant to help those closest to me, of course that number is always quite small anyway, but –and not to get all biblical on you— but I do remember a passage in the bible where they said the one place Jesus was never accepted was in his home village. Maybe it’s just too hard for people who are close enough to see your flaws and to see you fall, to really believe you could be right about them when you hit that one thing that hurts. .
I don’t know, I do however remember my grandmother would never use her gifts on her family. Perhaps I need to enact a similar rule for myself, just if we’re friends I’m not telling you one thing no matter what I see! Because people do have a way of finding their own way through life and I am seriously tired of people walking through mine, taking what they can from me, then walking away and not looking back. .
Part of my gift, is that I read souls. Meaning I can see who you are at your core and can even see how far off course you are in this lifetime. I can usually see the events and wounds that have skewed you from your authentic self and I can usually see the work that needs done to get you back to that higher place, but what I’ve found is that most people aren’t really interested in being in that higher place. The pain and hard work required is daunting and it’s very hard to see any real advantage to putting yourself through all that. In truth, most people just want comfort and a respite from the cruelty of the world around them. I’m not sure how to give them that. I’m not sure how to look at someone and really think it’s okay that they are so far from who they should be… then I tell myself stop playing god and let people handle their own crap! .
Sigh… I can’t turn the gifts off, so I have to figure out the best use for them. I don’t know what else to do. What I know for sure is that I have an absolute unshakeable faith in god. It gets banged up pretty good and there are days when I want to lie in bed and pretend I don’t see any of what I see, but in the end, I always stay true to my path and my faith in a higher power. I know these gifts are mine to use to achieve my personal goal, to touch the world, but I am still so uncertain as to how. And yes, I do hear in my head all the time, with great power comes great responsibility, there are times I am paralyzed by that thought, but I’ve spent all my life trying to pretend I’m “normal” so I’d fit in with all the other ducklings if you will. To accept the fact that now it’s time now to simply decide how to be the best me I can be and if the ducks don’t like it then they can go their way, has been one of the hardest things to truly integrate into my soul. I don’t like it when people leave, but that seems inevitable, I can’t let them leaving or not, change me. I know who I am, I know what I’m supposed to be doing… my faith is a little shaky from the bangs it’s taken the past few months, but I’ll get it back and when it grows in again, it’ll be stronger than ever because that’s how it works! I was told by my guides that I’d spend the better part of the rest of this year in a tunnel of sorts, that I wouldn’t be able to see much going on around me and that I should just keep my head down and focus on the few things I’ve been given, and let them handle the rest. I’m struggling greatly with the isolation, but I’m trying to trust, I’m trying to walk on faith… it’s all I can do.
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