Questioning

I was raised Christian.

I've followed that path faithfully most of my life, although about fifteen years ago I started defining my own spirituality based more on what I felt from within as opposed to what I was being taught from without. Two weeks ago I had this series of experiences where my mind opened to a whole new level and now I need to figure out what's real and where I'm supposed to go from here. This post is an attempt to do that, I ask that if you read through, that you don't take anything said as an attack on religion or any race or sexuality preference, I'm simply a woman trying to make sense of some very heavy insight.

I've always been a very open minded soul. I believe in god, but I believe in letting people live and make their own decisions. I believe god speaks to all of us if we seek him and it's not my place to go chasing after souls. I've spent much of my life defining my own beliefs to the point that it's hard finding a label that really fits anymore, Christian, new age, spiritual, zen, Buddhist... they all fit to a degree, but none fill all the spaces of my soul screaming I'm the one you've searched for.

All this questioning has of course led me to questioning all of humanity and creation, you know, why are we here, how did we get here, are we alone out here?

Some of my favorite questions of the moment are...

• Is the universe sentient?
• What else exists besides God, angels and mortals?
• Did god create NPC souls?
• Why is any real femininity missing from the Bible?
• Why is it such a patriarchal religion or viewpoint?

Honestly, I find myself asking, how can the greatest love story ever told be between father and son?

I mean no disrespect, but there are a few things that really bother me about this.

1. If that is truly the greatest love story ever told, if it is the holy grail of relationships so to speak, then why isn't it reflected in our art, music and literature more? We are a culture that craves our souls mate. Plus, I'm a parent, I know that our children are our hearts, but the love of our soul... that's the love, longing and calling of a mate, not a child... and yes I know some will argue with me that it's different for everyone, but I think by and large, most seek a soul mate, not a child, or a pet, or even a god.
2. Obviously this also leaves out any real purpose for women other than being vessels for these babies to be born and while the ancient Greeks may have believed that, and though cultures through time may have acted on that, god created us equal, therefore we have equal significance in this life. We are not mere vessels. If that was his intention, why would he complicate his perfection by giving us intellect and language with which we could argue, fight for our equality and muck up the perfect plan?
3. Also, there is no balance in father son and the entire universe speaks of balance. Yin and yang, black and white, good and evil, everything around us balances itself. God should be the epitome of balance. Whatever god is, he must have a mate, a completing part, but there's not ever a whisper of one, not even for Jesus who is thought to have been everything from celibate to a homosexual, but nothing about a mate.

Maybe I'm thinking too small, I do have a tendency to do that, but most religions and mythology about gods and such mate male and female, there's balance in male and female... please don't take this as any kind of statement on homosexuality, I'm talking about energy for the most part and really just trying to sort through my thoughts brought on by some very powerful meditations of late.

What I know for sure is that religion is absolutely corruptible. It has been used for centuries as a tool by men bent on power. No that's not all religion is, I realize it brings great comfort to a great many people, but it also inspires too many people to hate, bigotry, judgement and exclusion... the message of Jesus Christ is one of love... but somehow that gets lost in religion.

Plus, aside from the belief that the Holy Bible is the word of god, what makes it more "right" than any other ancient text? I was raised pretty standard christian so the bible has always been my base. Over the years my faith has gotten bigger to include my own experiences, particularly the way I communicate with god and where's he's led me in the past... but now, I'm questioning, if not the bible itself, then the fact that I feel as though there's been something hidden from us. There are parts we don't have, that have been lost or mistranslated, so I feel now that to follow it is like trying to cross one of those old suspension bridges in an Indiana Jones movie where half the planks are rotted and or missing. You can get across, but it's treacherous and the chance of a misstep is enormous!

I'm still working through it all so it's mostly just thoughts in my head. I again ask that you don't take offense to anything I've written. I am not trying to preach or enlighten. I am simply wondering aloud.

I know what I'm experiencing and I know where I'm being called, it's just so very different from your typical Christianity which has always been my faith, but I've seen god and the cosmos and how it all connects and I've always been someone who sought truth, no matter what it was. I don't want to cling to a faith that isn't true just because I was raised to believe in it, but I don't want to walk away either based on nothing more than what could be written off as hallucinations... there will be more later as I continue to figure this all out. :)