I'm Scared

My life with God is never uneventful. I'm always being led further and further outside of my comfort zone... hell my original comfort zone is nothing but a memory at this point, and a fuzzy one at that. Who I've become is unrecognizable to who I once was. I'm always being pushed to stretch, to reach, to grow, to become more and the last year or so, I've been called to teach, intentionally. To share my faith and my walk.

Though it started as Christian, I can't call it that now. I don't align with any religion any longer, but I do align with that which I recognize as god and that is sacred to me. I don't always understand it, I often try and talk myself out of it, being crazy would be so much easier some days then being able to "hear" god, but I know who I am and who I am cannot walk away from what I believe.

This year has been, well I'm referring to it as the season of dryness because quite frankly, my spirit world has been inexplicably quiet while my life has been a mess of chaos. I recently however reached the end of that season and my spirituality came back like a flash flood and it's been a welcome change, only, as to be expected at this point, God is now raising the bar... and I'm scared.

If you follow my blogs you know there are two things I want in life, career success/money and great love/romance. I have a beautiful life and I'm very happy in it, but these two things, which I feel would set my entire life over the top, well they elude me. Plus, I still get support from my ex-husband which I'd really like to stop. We have two adult children who both have various forms of autism and who live with me, so while there are moments I think about how many dead-beat dads there are out there and how wonderful Dave is for stepping up and making sure his kids are okay even when he doesn't "have" too, my own ego doesn't want to need support from him and that one thought has kept me in bondage for more than a year now.

Here's where things get wild...

I've spent the better part of two years focused solely on wanting to support myself 100% without help, all the while I hold the absolute belief that god meets my needs. The problem is, these two things conflict with one another in my mind because if I fully trust god/the universe to provide for me, I cannot be putting my hand up, saying I'll do it. I've got this.

God provides for me. I've seen that time and again, I know there is a force that brings to me that which I need, from housing, to food, to computers.... to my ex-husband's support. That's a long story, but my ex wouldn't have been able to maintain this support on his own. He's not independently wealthy, he doesn't have a fabulous well paying job. I see God all over this and today in meditation I was shown how this was a moment in time that had been planned for decades as it was god who led me to my husband in the first place. What god wants from me is to stop struggling against what he put in motion and switch my focus away from "making a living" and towards a ministry. Something I feel so ill-equipped for really, but something that does excite my soul.

But this is ludicrous! This is not the way things are done!

sigh... then I read I Corinthians 1:25

This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans

I'm an intelligent woman, this is why I don't wish to rely on support from my ex-husband, but my life doesn't work when I walk outside of God's calling. I know this as fact at this point in my life. So I am at a precipice, ready to jump and my choice is this... back away from the cliff, continue to write my love stories and pursing career success which translates to money (which may I just add is a perfectly normal thing to do!) or leap,put aside my fears, let my ex continue to help me, focus on writing more non-fiction, the blogs, teaching, leading groups, taking everything up a level and give of myself to the world, allowing God to return to me every thing I could ever need or desire... it's a promise. 

How much faith do I have?

How much do I believe?

I see faith as a choice, it's something we choose to believe despite what our eyes may see in the moment. It's a 'going deeper' and listening to your gut, your soul and what it tells you... well right now, it's showing me I need to choose... my desire to be entirely self sufficient, or my calling from god.

I'm an extremely independent woman. I don't like this choice. *She says, stomping her foot* I've been trying to put off making it forever, but I keep circling back to the same place. I keep thinking it's not responsible, it's not rational to not worry about money, to not plan and focus on making a living. In this culture, it's a necessity!

Then I calm down and realize I may need to rethink my use of the word necessity.

Food, water, air... those are necessity... shelter is pretty damn important... if I trust god, however, then I have to let him provide these things for me in whatever way he sees fit. I cannot say thank you god for always providing, but can you please do it like this rather than the way you're doing it now? Because that makes me uncomfortable. I can have dreams, intentions, goals, but at the end of the day, surrender to that which I know as god, is always the most important thing.

I believe God is more complex than we realize and I do believe there is sentience. I know God has a very specific calling on my heart, on my life and I believe that quote at the top of the page, the essence being, when we trust god, he takes us places we can't imagine now. I've seen it. I've experienced it. I have to make this leap. I have to align myself with my truth.

For now, god has set me up to be provided for through my ex-husband and if I can't accept that, I'm no better than a five year old throwing a tantrum because I want fries with dinner rather than mashed potatoes. Maybe it's time to grow up, accept that god knows better than I do and try it his way.

Surrender was a huge lesson for me last year, but this is one of the areas that I keep squirming, it's an area I can't entirely let go of. I keep stomping my foot saying "I want to make my own money!" And I'm scared to surrender this. I'm scared to say all right God, I'll let go of the money and I'll focus on you, the calling, all that you have for me to do.

It's at times like this all my bible stories come back to me, I think of Moses and Abraham, Mary and Joseph, Daniel, Samson and so many others... I'm sure they were scared and I'm sure what they were asked to do, in their time, was as counter cultural as what I'm being asked to do now, but trust in god is trust in god, you either have it or you don't. There isn't a lot of grey in that. I keep finding myself saying, I trust god, but... there can't be a but and where I'm at with god right now, I either have to take this on, or I may aw well go start applying for work... I lose my art, I lose my gifts, I lose my ministry... and I want all those things.

I love who God has made me. The woman he's sculpted is an amazing, beautiful woman with enough confidence in herself to finally answer this call, if I can get over myself, release ego and let my ex help me stay afloat here in my Florida life.

I just feel like such a failure not being able to support myself and my kids completely, but I'd never think that of anyone else. What I believe, what I've always believed is that if we trust god, if we listen to that voice inside us that leads us, even when it says things we don't like or that seem crazy on the surface, there is more joy and blessing underneath than we can even imagine now.

It was definitely like that when I moved here. God said go, I said really? and started looking at airline tickets online. I got here, the place I'd arranged to stay fell through and I was homeless... but that day, by listening to that god voice, I found the most amazing home and that was the place that embraced me, gave me everything I could have wanted. It only lasted four months, but that was magic, and I know there will be magic on the other side of this as well.

More changes... I will not fear them.

I will leap.

Psalm 118:6 ~ The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?