I'm Scared

My life with God is never uneventful. I'm always being led further and further outside of my comfort zone... hell my original comfort zone is nothing but a memory at this point, and a fuzzy one at that. Who I've become is unrecognizable to who I once was. I'm always being pushed to stretch, to reach, to grow, to become more and the last year or so, I've been called to teach, intentionally. To share my faith and my walk.

Though it started as Christian, I can't call it that now. I don't align with any religion any longer, but I do align with that which I recognize as god and that is sacred to me. I don't always understand it, I often try and talk myself out of it, being crazy would be so much easier some days then being able to "hear" god, but I know who I am and who I am cannot walk away from what I believe.

This year has been, well I'm referring to it as the season of dryness because quite frankly, my spirit world has been inexplicably quiet while my life has been a mess of chaos. I recently however reached the end of that season and my spirituality came back like a flash flood and it's been a welcome change, only, as to be expected at this point, God is now raising the bar... and I'm scared.

If you follow my blogs you know there are two things I want in life, career success/money and great love/romance. I have a beautiful life and I'm very happy in it, but these two things, which I feel would set my entire life over the top, well they elude me. Plus, I still get support from my ex-husband which I'd really like to stop. We have two adult children who both have various forms of autism and who live with me, so while there are moments I think about how many dead-beat dads there are out there and how wonderful Dave is for stepping up and making sure his kids are okay even when he doesn't "have" too, my own ego doesn't want to need support from him and that one thought has kept me in bondage for more than a year now.

Here's where things get wild...

Seek Ye First (the law of attraction?)

Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33

I had a moment of clarity on this today as I was pondering something my guides said recently about a friend of mine. More on that in a sec, but for right now, let me throw something out there...

What if "the kingdom of god and his righteousness" is your deepest self, that which connects you to the divine, to source? What if what this verse is trying to say is seek your truth and all these things shall be added unto you... and what if all these things are in reality, the dreams of your soul?

You know me, I always say dreams are the treasure map of the soul. I believe they are the things god instills in us upon creation to direct our course here in this lifetime. They are personal and they are unique. Those dreams speak to us of things oftentimes others don't even understand, but when we follow them... when we look inward and we seek out "god"...when we seek ye first... miracles happen all around us.

When we are living in our truth, we are vibrating our truth and the law of attraction then comes into play exactly as it should because we are now attracting to us all the real pieces, opportunities and people we need to complete those dreams.

Now, about my friend. My guides said to me recently,

Settling and the Road to Happiness

I've always been the person who will say "Never settle!"

It offends my soul to even think it, but for several years now I've been circling this issue of "happiness" and what difference do your choices make if you're happy?

It used to bother me back in the days of Tony. Is happy the point of life? We seem to think it is a lot of the time and I've heard some very good arguments to say that it is. So long as you're happy, and you aren't hurting anyone, then why try harder or reach further?

When Tony and I were together, and he was also seeing the other woman and building a life with her, neither of us could really come up with a good reason why

Is Fear Stealing Your True Awakening?

What is your greatest fear?

Is it failure?

Is it loneliness?

Is it sickness?

We all have fears, and even when it's the exact same fear as someone else, there are nuances that are specific just for you that makes that fear perfect. The truth of the matter however, is that these fears are nothing more than thoughts in your mind... They are not real. And if it's not real, then you can control it. Furthermore, you must!

I hear people talking about this shift in consciousness. I believe it is on the horizon and all of us are taking part in it. That's why this is such an important time. In meditation I hear my guides talk repeatedly about the energy on the planet needing to shift. They talk about the coming peace the Bible predicts in revelation... the one most people seem to miss when they talk about the "end of days".

It seems to me more and more people are awakening every day, but at the same time, like butterflies wrestling out of their cocoons, more and more people are trapped in cocoons of fear and they can't entirely break free and that is preventing their true awakening.

Fear is deep and insidious, and yet still, we have absolute power over it and furthermore, I'll tell you how... it's love.

Love is the most effective weapon against fear, because love is the light to fear's dark.

As Marianne Williamson says, "Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here."

Fear isn't real. Love is.

Fear is something our minds construe to keep up still, to keep us from becoming a part of the light, to keep us from fully awakening. Fear will bring death while love brings life. Love for ourselves, for our children, our families, the planet.

Those of you who are mothers out there, you know this is true. Is there any fear

Taking You Places You’ve Never Seen Before

That’s what god does in my life.

A year and a half ago he brought me to Florida. I had been planning a move to Orlando anyway after the implosion of what I had called my life the year before, but I had no real idea how I was going to make it happen. I only knew I had to be in Florida.

The trip had been pushed back three separate times and if I’m entirely honest, I wasn’t sure I’d ever really make it here. Then one day something happened in my life that was so polarizing that I sat in my bed and asked myself “Why am I still sacrificing my life for others who would never do the same for me?”

It was in that moment I heard god speak and he said go online, book your airline ticket for the first flight out and don’t look back.

I did and within two weeks of that moment, I arrived in Orlando… and was promptly homeless. I spent my first day in my new life trying to find a place to live and when all looked positively bleak, I again heard that voice tell me, check there, that’s where I want you.

Well the place god “wanted” me looked to be closed, but I finally listened and as it turned out, that place that looked out of business had been a 5 star Hyatt that was in the process of a change of ownership and was in flux and it became my home the first four months I lived here. Not only had god taken me from a small trailer in VA where I was dying, but he placed me in a large hotel room with king bed, a balcony overlooking a pool, complimentary breakfast every morning and a Disney shuttle too boot! I was in heaven. :D

In the first few weeks of my life here I came upon wildlife I’d never seen before, armadillos, alligators, and a lot of water fowl. There was a flock of white ibis that came to dine on bugs in the lawn outside my room every day, frogs that would hop up on my balcony during rain storms and tons and tons of lizards!

I’m an animal person, so I was loving it.

Every afternoon that I hadn’t gone to Disney, I would walk the two blocks to the local Subway to find dinner and along the way I would talk with god and I just remember feeling

True Surrender

I have had an experience that changed my life and I believe when we experience those things, we need to share them so that others may find a piece to their own life puzzle through what we’ve shared. For me it was a moment on a beach with someone I love and it taught me surrender.

Surrender to my weight, surrender to the twin flame being what it was, surrender in my writing… surrender to god and honestly my life is not the same.

I’ve waited to write about this because I was watching to see if it was a permanent change, or a onetime glow. I was waiting to see how it would manifest in my life and what changes it would usher in. I think many of us struggle with true surrender, especially in the spiritual. It’s hard to surrender to something you can’t see and don’t know what’s real or what’s your imagination. For me, I had worked my way up to surrender in most things, but what I hadn’t mastered was staying in surrender. I was like the child in that poem who gave the broken toy to god, but never actually let go of it so god could fix it. I’d give it to god, then I’d pick it right back up again. It was a very long existing pattern and I am a very stubborn and independent woman.I knew that the only way to truly see change in my life was

You Want Effortless Faith... Sit in a Chair

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

I live a life based on faith. Mine is spiritual in context, but faith encompasses more than the god you believe in or what set of doctrines you follow. I once heard someone say we show our ability to have faith every time we sit in a piece of furniture without even looking, let alone knowing the manufacturer or the specifics of the materials used or the skill of the designer. We have faith the furniture has been built well and will serve it's purpose of holding us. We do that without even thinking, that's faith.

For me, my faith is the grounding force in my universe. It's the thing that keeps me going, gets me up every morning no matter how badly beaten down I was the day before and what dictates my moral code. It's my faith that allows me to face the most daunting circumstances and to continue walking through the painful judgments of others.

Without my faith, I have nothing. I am nothing. I know me, without that faith, I'd crumple into a little ball and never get out of bed again. There would be no point to facing the cruelty of this world if I didn't believe there was a purpose and a point to it.

However, I am not one to ever tell another person what, or how, they should believe. If you can't have faith in a god for whatever reason, have faith in yourself. I know for a fact you were created with unique gifts and abilities and you have something of worth to bring to this world. However, when we lack faith in our self, then how can we ever accomplish greatness?

I want that for each person who reads my blog, I want you to live a life of greatness. I want you to reach for and achieve your dreams. I believe it's more than just possible, I believe it's

A Higher Calling I Cannot Turn Away From

I don't know why, but I cannot walk away from the path of authenticity. I cannot pretend to be something I'm not. I cannot change myself to make others more comfortable being around me.

Is that wrong? I'm not sure. Does it bring me a lot of pain? Most definitely, but it also comes with tremendous peace and enlightenment and I can't help but think in the end, I'll be proven right for making the choices I do.

I grew a lot spiritually over the summer. In the past few weeks I’ve been consciously defining myself as well. I spent much of the summer trying to help a close friend with her spiritual journey. It had its high points and definite low points, but I learned a lot through it. I wish it had ended better for her, but I’m trying very hard to take home the lesson that I am not responsible for everyone! I did the absolute best I knew how to do and I have no real regrets other than it didn’t end the way I had hoped it would.

As I am no longer in that place of being focused on someone else, I have turned rather introspective internalizing what the journey taught me. I think by and large I have to admit that I am accepting the spiritual gifts that I have been given, yes, still with somewhat of a heavy heart, but I only pray once or twice a week now to be “normal” so that’s progress! .

I have become more comfortable with reading Tarot, although is still shocks me when people respond so positively to a reading I give them. I learned a lot about stones and the energy within. I have a few favorites now and I’ll actually be sharing some of that knowledge on one of the other blogs on a regular basis. I’ve studied chakras and learned meditations to help align them more effectively and very definitely notice the difference in myself. I’ve made as much peace as I think I ever will with being able to hear other people’s spirit guides, dead (in this life) people, and telepathy, which is SUCH a freaky thing when it starts happening to you, but I think what I HAVE to learn most of all, is

God is Bigger than My Insanity

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind... but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. " - Into the Wild

I'm having a crisis of faith the last week or so. It basically comes down to the fact that I've sought truth all my life, but perhaps never considered the ramifications of being trusted with it.

I read that quote above on a website I was researching from earlier in the week and it really spoke to me. I realized that most of my life I've tried to pretend I'm this nice fifties housewife with a wicked kinky streak and no more. All my dreams reflected that persona, my writings, my life.

After all, what more is the "American Dream" than a life of comfort and security? It was a dream I very much was invested in once, only when achieved, I realized it was hollow, as empty as a can of Pringles after ten minutes with my youngest son.

When you have that moment, when you achieve your dreams and you realize

Questioning

I was raised Christian.

I've followed that path faithfully most of my life, although about fifteen years ago I started defining my own spirituality based more on what I felt from within as opposed to what I was being taught from without. Two weeks ago I had this series of experiences where my mind opened to a whole new level and now I need to figure out what's real and where I'm supposed to go from here. This post is an attempt to do that, I ask that if you read through, that you don't take anything said as an attack on religion or any race or sexuality preference, I'm simply a woman trying to make sense of some very heavy insight.

I've always been a very open minded soul. I believe in god, but I believe in letting people live and make their own decisions. I believe god speaks to all of us if we seek him and it's not my place to go chasing after souls. I've spent much of my life defining my own beliefs to the point that it's hard finding a label that really fits anymore, Christian, new age, spiritual, zen, Buddhist... they all fit to a degree, but none fill all the spaces of my soul screaming I'm the one you've searched for.

All this questioning has of course led me to questioning all of humanity and creation, you know, why are we here, how did we get here, are we alone out here?

Some of my favorite questions of the moment are...

Living Open

There are things of which my soul believes, but that my mind does not want to consider.

Things like marriage, success and becoming this woman I feel I am inside, that my mind says is getting too big for her britches. :)

We so often allow fear to shut us down and block the most wonderful things in our life. It is said that oftentimes the thing that is best for us is the thing hidden in our fears. When we face down fears, we change our lives and most often find more peace, happiness and enlightenment along the way than we ever could have imagined beforehand. Fear makes us block the thing we want and thus really the only thing to really fear is fear itself.

I recognize the truth of this recently as I am often the biggest block to wonderful things coming into my life, but I just don't want to be that anymore. With my twin flame relationship for instance, I got so caught up in how happy he was with his current gf, that I tried to tell god to find me someone else, to leave Tony with his gf.

In about two years from now, I want you all to remind me of how stupid that was. ;-)

Also, take marriage, I don't want to get married again. I say it all the time. Somewhere along the line though I realized that my truth really is that I don't want to get divorced again. Therefore I refuse to marry. No marriage, no divorce. Makes sense, right?

Wrong!

A- that's bass ackwards. and B- In my heart of hearts, I do crave that level of a committed relationship in my future, but fear makes me back away. Fear of not getting what I want, equally as much as fear of getting exactly what I want and not being able to handle it. Failing at another relationship terrifies me. Failing at my twin flame relationship makes me act positively stupid.

This is not a good situation I've set up so I'm purposefully re-languaging myself. For starters,

The Voice of God

I've worked hard to cultivate my relationship with god from the time I was eight years old and I have been very blessed by how he's honored my intentions in that area so I know when I hear the voice of god, even if it comes through an astrologer, or a psychic, or a book, or a song. I hear people say all the time they can't hear god, but I say, he's talking everywhere, you just have to tune in.

I think one of the saddest things about religion is how they box themselves in. If it's not from your church's particular religious viewpoint, then it's wrong. I just don't believe that. God is SO much bigger than a church or religion and if you keep your focus that narrow, I believe you will miss the best parts of being a spiritual being.

John 10:27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.

I think when we are raised with religion, we have been taught to tune so much of God out. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT bashing religion or the act of raising your children in the church, it's just that I feel the need to remind you that god is more and if you are struggling in life and in your relationship with god, or with hearing him, it could very well be the box you've gladly put yourself in. When we open up to him, in whatever way he wishes to communicate, he will speak to us. Our job is not to demand he speak to us a certain way, but to train ourselves to recognize his voice.

 I'm a Christian that believes all truth is God's truth. If you are open

What Matters

When tragedy occurs on a wide scale like yesterday in Connecticut, we seem to react one of two ways. We cling harder to our faith and insist there is some purpose in all of this horror, or we blame god and use this as an example of how the god of the universe cannot possibly be a loving god, or else he simply does not exist.

Yesterday's events are beyond comprehensible. Those were babies, and I, like the rest of the country, was grieved deeply for the loss and for the survivors who will have to live with this for the rest of their lives.

There is no sense to be made of it and I won't try. I do not think the gunman evil, though I know we would like a nice black and white tie up like that, he wasn't. As is the case most times with these sorts of things, he was simply mad and yes we can ask all the questions like why didn't anyone see it coming and why wasn't there help for him before it got to this point and why on earth did his mother have those types of weapons, but truthfully, we all know that if a person is intent on carrying out something, he will find the will and means to do so.

I, like everyone else, struggle to wrap my head around how something like this could happen, but at the same time, I realize that we are blessed to live in one of the safest countries in the world. For the most part, our children are safe when they go to school and sleep in their beds at night. It is not that way in other parts of the world. I realize that there are not atrocities carried out on our city streets on a daily basis. I realize that I am able to walk home after dark and not fear for my life. I realize that each day begins with hope and I have the freedom and opportunities to make my life anything I want for it and I realize that the reason this story made such big news is because we don't see this kind of thing usually. That is something to remember.

Yesterday was horrific, there is no doubting that and for the families who lost their children, their family members, life will be forever changed. What I believe though, is that whenever we are faced with crisis, we have choices of how to react. We had no choice in what came into our life, but we can choose what to do with it.

I pray for these families that they will not allow this to ruin them. That they can somehow, even within the depths of their grief, find a way to make this occurrence mean something. We can take the worst things and give them purpose by how we choose to react to them. I know when I had my miscarriages, I refused to let my babies come and go from this world without ever being able to make an impact, so I determined to make one for them. We do not have to let evil prevail. Because where I do not believe Ryan Lanza to be evil, I do believe evil perpetrated this act yesterday.

As for where was god? Obviously I have no definitive answers for that, but within the horror of yesterday, we also saw miracles. There were signs of god's presence there everywhere. I think if there were no god, there would have been nothing to be thankful for yesterday. I think with no god, we would never have reason to rejoice. God is the source of all goodness, but rather than blame him for what occurred yesterday, why can't we see that where there is light, there is also darkness? We are in the epic battle of good vs evil everyday and we are the ones who make the differences by the choices we make, but there is never 100% victory for either side in a war. Yesterday was a sad one for good, but everyday there is good and evil playing out in our world, we just choose not to recognize it most days until something so big happens we cannot retreat into our medication tent and pretend it's not there.

It is no secret that I believe in a spiritual realm. When we realize that life is not neutral, it is not simply some cosmic experiment, but that there is a battle of light and dark going on constantly and that the choices we make matter, we truly can change the world.

Yesterday was not a victory of evil, if it had been, we'd be defeated today. There would be no hope. However, we have the choice to remember these children and adults and honor their lives. We have the choice to align ourselves more perfectly with the light becoming a more useful ally in the fight. Because there will be another time, there always is, but rather than focus on what was lost us, focus on what was won. Honor those lost, but celebrate those who made it through. Celebrate the teachers and children who were heroes yesterday. We cannot save the dead, but we can move on from this stronger which does matter and will make a difference in more ways than you can imagine.

When you ask where god was? I know it's because we believe him to be omnipotent and he should have been everywhere. I know it's because even if you choose to believe he was holding and comforting those who died in their last moments, then you have to ask yourself, why didn't he save them? We get angry and question why did he deem this person's worth less then that, the one he saved?

The truth is, we cannot understand God's reasonings because we are not him. We have not the capacity to begin to understand the bigger picture here. All we can do is accept that he is the god of creation and he does love that which he creates and he always has a plan for our lives.

If you want to do something about what happened yesterday, then make a difference in yourself. Because when we truly become align with truth and peace and love, then we do touch lives and make differences, even when we cannot see them. What we do matters. We are not helpless victims in a life playing out around us. No, we cannot usually control the situations we find ourselves in, but we do control our actions and our attitudes. We choose to embrace love, or we choose to harden ourselves.

No matter what you believe about god or otherwise, I will guarantee you that keeping yourself open to love will always be the right answer. Do not allow the events of yesterday, or your own personal complications and afflictions harden you, because only then does evil begin to win.

If you cannot embrace "god" embrace love... always embrace love. It matters.

The Validity of All Paths

The choices we make in life are oftentimes very complex and have far reaching ripples into our future and the lives of those around us. I for one am one of those "must take the hard road" types and in my arrogance have long considered that to be the "right" path.

I have believed that there is no better way to live than in the pursuit of truth and your highest self and living in integrity and love. I have rarely met people who felt the same and I have felt desperately alone in life because of it.

Now, for me, that is my best path. I know to live my life with truth, I have to take the spiritual path to enlightenment, but I'm having more clarity lately on paths and the validity of simply being wherever it is you are and that's what I want to write about now.

One of the things I struggle with greatly is watching the people around me make what I consider to be bad life choices. Choices that seem to keep them trapped in the same endless circle of pain and loss. With my psychic gifts, I have an intuitive way of being able to see where people are making choices that keep them stuck and though I will share with someone my fear for them if they continue down a particular path, they ultimately continue on, sure they can handle whatever comes their way and that I am either wrong, or off in something I've said because surely it can't be as dire as all that.

It's long been my struggle to watch the people I love as they go down these paths, watch the pain they suffer, but also to be able

Heartsong of a Sojourner

I am a sojourner. I travel much. I grow. I learn. I ascend. I never stay at the level I was at yesterday. I cannot. It is not in my nature.

As such I am often alone.

I am beginning to realize the sacredness of that.

I have seen and experienced much in my life. Since making the intentional choice to seek out the spiritual and the supernatural, I have become so much more than I ever was before.

I experienced something profound this morning and as usual, I was alone. Aloneness is state I become more comfortable with by the day if I'm truthful. I think it's simply a state of truth for being a sojourner. You cannot stay and hope to find like minded souls who may or may not be brave enough to walk with you.

Therefore, I walk alone much of the time.

I dream of someday finding someone to travel with, but I do understand how much that's asking and honestly, I don't hold a lot of hope for it. In part because most people don't understand my intuitive/spiritual side and in part because even those that do, they have their own path to walk and at the end of the day, it's a burden to walk with me.

I will see things in your life you probably won't want to know about. I will challenge you

For Me, There Truly Can Be No Other Choice

David Tutera is one sexy man!

Not that, that has anything to do with this blog post, I just felt the need to get that out there right up front. :) And yes I am going somewhere with this, just bear with me.

So my affections for Mr. Tutera aside, I've been watching his My Fair Wedding show on WE since the beginning. I mean any opportunity to see the man at work is a gift! He's brilliant, creative, has a great sense of humor, a generous heart, a kind soul and a very low tolerance for idiocy... I love the man. I love watching him make dream weddings happen for women who would otherwise be marrying in their backyard in a rent a gown.

The original concept for My Fair Wedding was for him to be a sort of Professor Higgins to an array of Eliza Doolittles, but along the way it became this magical fairytale sort of show where you just saw all these wonderful moments of dreams coming true and tears of joy and girls that seemed honestly grateful for everything David had brought into their lives.

Loved that show!

This season however, they changed format bringing us instead of My Fair Wedding, My Fair Wedding Unveiled... where we essentially get to see the horrible side that we weren't being shown before.

I swear after only seeing a few episodes of this new series, I feel David should be nominated for sainthood. I have no idea how he's able to work with these people!

From ungrateful, controlling brides, to family members trying to take over, to threatened best friends trying to get into a pissing contest with the man, it's a wonder any weddings take place at all!

I can't watch this version of the show often and the few times I have, I just end up wanting to smack people!

So as I sit here watching, becoming irate and not being able to control my disapproving comments and judgments about gratitude in our society... it hits me...

Dreams, Devotions, Discipline... and Joy

I believe that a relationship with god is not about doing a list of arbitrary tasks because he's told you to, but to decide for yourself what you will do with your life and your day, and do all things in devotion to the light that is greater than you.

I'm working on putting this into action in my own life right now. I have a few very specific goals I'm chasing and those are non negotiable. Those are the dreams god has placed in my heart and the things that I know, unless I chase them, I will always feel unfulfilled to some degree. However, there are times I get too narrow focused on the outcome of these things and forget that the how of how I go about accomplishing these things, that's the stuff my life is made of. That's the part that matters most. Yet, that's often the part I spend the least amount of attention on.

I believe god planted certain dreams in my heart at my creation, or at the very least, when I came into this life. I believe I'm pre-programmed, if you will, to desire these things, but whether or not I go after them, and how, I go after them... well that's a complete open field and sort of the point of life.

Two people can have the exact same goal, open a business, lose fifty pounds, raise healthy kids, run a successful non profit, invent something life changing... and go about the process of achieving those things entirely differently. What those two people bring the world will also be different and will be reflective of their intentions and what they focused on throughout their journey.

The struggle, the obstacles, the integrity, the playfulness, the lessons, the giving... those are the little moments you string together and look back at and realize, that was your life. 

I have the dream of having a