Holding Space and Closing Doors

Relationships...

My guides had me write a blog post this morning on the three men who've broken my heart. It's harsh. I feel like a total bitch. I feel like that post only tells half of the story because I have gratitude to these men and I loved them and mostly, I don't regret the relationships. Each one has been instrumental in making me who I am today... but my guides wanted me only to focus the pain, saying my truth, confessing my pain, not trying to be balanced and fair as my Libra self always insists.

In many ways it was excruciatingly hard. For everything I wrote, I wanted to write five good things and show how and where I had been wrong in the relationship and where I could have done better, but I kept hearing my one guide say

I'm Scared

My life with God is never uneventful. I'm always being led further and further outside of my comfort zone... hell my original comfort zone is nothing but a memory at this point, and a fuzzy one at that. Who I've become is unrecognizable to who I once was. I'm always being pushed to stretch, to reach, to grow, to become more and the last year or so, I've been called to teach, intentionally. To share my faith and my walk.

Though it started as Christian, I can't call it that now. I don't align with any religion any longer, but I do align with that which I recognize as god and that is sacred to me. I don't always understand it, I often try and talk myself out of it, being crazy would be so much easier some days then being able to "hear" god, but I know who I am and who I am cannot walk away from what I believe.

This year has been, well I'm referring to it as the season of dryness because quite frankly, my spirit world has been inexplicably quiet while my life has been a mess of chaos. I recently however reached the end of that season and my spirituality came back like a flash flood and it's been a welcome change, only, as to be expected at this point, God is now raising the bar... and I'm scared.

If you follow my blogs you know there are two things I want in life, career success/money and great love/romance. I have a beautiful life and I'm very happy in it, but these two things, which I feel would set my entire life over the top, well they elude me. Plus, I still get support from my ex-husband which I'd really like to stop. We have two adult children who both have various forms of autism and who live with me, so while there are moments I think about how many dead-beat dads there are out there and how wonderful Dave is for stepping up and making sure his kids are okay even when he doesn't "have" too, my own ego doesn't want to need support from him and that one thought has kept me in bondage for more than a year now.

Here's where things get wild...

Seek Ye First (the law of attraction?)

Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33

I had a moment of clarity on this today as I was pondering something my guides said recently about a friend of mine. More on that in a sec, but for right now, let me throw something out there...

What if "the kingdom of god and his righteousness" is your deepest self, that which connects you to the divine, to source? What if what this verse is trying to say is seek your truth and all these things shall be added unto you... and what if all these things are in reality, the dreams of your soul?

You know me, I always say dreams are the treasure map of the soul. I believe they are the things god instills in us upon creation to direct our course here in this lifetime. They are personal and they are unique. Those dreams speak to us of things oftentimes others don't even understand, but when we follow them... when we look inward and we seek out "god"...when we seek ye first... miracles happen all around us.

When we are living in our truth, we are vibrating our truth and the law of attraction then comes into play exactly as it should because we are now attracting to us all the real pieces, opportunities and people we need to complete those dreams.

Now, about my friend. My guides said to me recently,

True Surrender

I have had an experience that changed my life and I believe when we experience those things, we need to share them so that others may find a piece to their own life puzzle through what we’ve shared. For me it was a moment on a beach with someone I love and it taught me surrender.

Surrender to my weight, surrender to the twin flame being what it was, surrender in my writing… surrender to god and honestly my life is not the same.

I’ve waited to write about this because I was watching to see if it was a permanent change, or a onetime glow. I was waiting to see how it would manifest in my life and what changes it would usher in. I think many of us struggle with true surrender, especially in the spiritual. It’s hard to surrender to something you can’t see and don’t know what’s real or what’s your imagination. For me, I had worked my way up to surrender in most things, but what I hadn’t mastered was staying in surrender. I was like the child in that poem who gave the broken toy to god, but never actually let go of it so god could fix it. I’d give it to god, then I’d pick it right back up again. It was a very long existing pattern and I am a very stubborn and independent woman.I knew that the only way to truly see change in my life was

God is Bigger than My Insanity

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind... but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. " - Into the Wild

I'm having a crisis of faith the last week or so. It basically comes down to the fact that I've sought truth all my life, but perhaps never considered the ramifications of being trusted with it.

I read that quote above on a website I was researching from earlier in the week and it really spoke to me. I realized that most of my life I've tried to pretend I'm this nice fifties housewife with a wicked kinky streak and no more. All my dreams reflected that persona, my writings, my life.

After all, what more is the "American Dream" than a life of comfort and security? It was a dream I very much was invested in once, only when achieved, I realized it was hollow, as empty as a can of Pringles after ten minutes with my youngest son.

When you have that moment, when you achieve your dreams and you realize

Living Open

There are things of which my soul believes, but that my mind does not want to consider.

Things like marriage, success and becoming this woman I feel I am inside, that my mind says is getting too big for her britches. :)

We so often allow fear to shut us down and block the most wonderful things in our life. It is said that oftentimes the thing that is best for us is the thing hidden in our fears. When we face down fears, we change our lives and most often find more peace, happiness and enlightenment along the way than we ever could have imagined beforehand. Fear makes us block the thing we want and thus really the only thing to really fear is fear itself.

I recognize the truth of this recently as I am often the biggest block to wonderful things coming into my life, but I just don't want to be that anymore. With my twin flame relationship for instance, I got so caught up in how happy he was with his current gf, that I tried to tell god to find me someone else, to leave Tony with his gf.

In about two years from now, I want you all to remind me of how stupid that was. ;-)

Also, take marriage, I don't want to get married again. I say it all the time. Somewhere along the line though I realized that my truth really is that I don't want to get divorced again. Therefore I refuse to marry. No marriage, no divorce. Makes sense, right?

Wrong!

A- that's bass ackwards. and B- In my heart of hearts, I do crave that level of a committed relationship in my future, but fear makes me back away. Fear of not getting what I want, equally as much as fear of getting exactly what I want and not being able to handle it. Failing at another relationship terrifies me. Failing at my twin flame relationship makes me act positively stupid.

This is not a good situation I've set up so I'm purposefully re-languaging myself. For starters,

The Validity of All Paths

The choices we make in life are oftentimes very complex and have far reaching ripples into our future and the lives of those around us. I for one am one of those "must take the hard road" types and in my arrogance have long considered that to be the "right" path.

I have believed that there is no better way to live than in the pursuit of truth and your highest self and living in integrity and love. I have rarely met people who felt the same and I have felt desperately alone in life because of it.

Now, for me, that is my best path. I know to live my life with truth, I have to take the spiritual path to enlightenment, but I'm having more clarity lately on paths and the validity of simply being wherever it is you are and that's what I want to write about now.

One of the things I struggle with greatly is watching the people around me make what I consider to be bad life choices. Choices that seem to keep them trapped in the same endless circle of pain and loss. With my psychic gifts, I have an intuitive way of being able to see where people are making choices that keep them stuck and though I will share with someone my fear for them if they continue down a particular path, they ultimately continue on, sure they can handle whatever comes their way and that I am either wrong, or off in something I've said because surely it can't be as dire as all that.

It's long been my struggle to watch the people I love as they go down these paths, watch the pain they suffer, but also to be able

For Me, There Truly Can Be No Other Choice

David Tutera is one sexy man!

Not that, that has anything to do with this blog post, I just felt the need to get that out there right up front. :) And yes I am going somewhere with this, just bear with me.

So my affections for Mr. Tutera aside, I've been watching his My Fair Wedding show on WE since the beginning. I mean any opportunity to see the man at work is a gift! He's brilliant, creative, has a great sense of humor, a generous heart, a kind soul and a very low tolerance for idiocy... I love the man. I love watching him make dream weddings happen for women who would otherwise be marrying in their backyard in a rent a gown.

The original concept for My Fair Wedding was for him to be a sort of Professor Higgins to an array of Eliza Doolittles, but along the way it became this magical fairytale sort of show where you just saw all these wonderful moments of dreams coming true and tears of joy and girls that seemed honestly grateful for everything David had brought into their lives.

Loved that show!

This season however, they changed format bringing us instead of My Fair Wedding, My Fair Wedding Unveiled... where we essentially get to see the horrible side that we weren't being shown before.

I swear after only seeing a few episodes of this new series, I feel David should be nominated for sainthood. I have no idea how he's able to work with these people!

From ungrateful, controlling brides, to family members trying to take over, to threatened best friends trying to get into a pissing contest with the man, it's a wonder any weddings take place at all!

I can't watch this version of the show often and the few times I have, I just end up wanting to smack people!

So as I sit here watching, becoming irate and not being able to control my disapproving comments and judgments about gratitude in our society... it hits me...

Surrender and Discipline

  

• Discipline is the brother of surrender
• Discipline comes from the heart. Surrender comes from the soul.
• Discipline is a devotion. Surrender is a state of being.
• Surrender and Discipline feed one another and make the life of he who has both, infinitely stronger

I have a new teacher in my life, his name is Qi and his purpose is to teach me discipline.

When I first heard this news I got kind of afraid and kind of excited. I mean I know I could use more discipline, I'm a bit flighty at times, and i do love schedules and to do lists, but I've always thought of discipline as a straight jacket, restraints on my passion and I've never been able to balance the two.

I've just blogged some on that topic on Be, but while I'm trying to learn to unrestrain myself, my dreamer, my passion, I've chosen to take on this task of discipline as